I never update this thing anymore. It goes back so long, 2001. I think I was dating Andi? I made everything private so only I could see the foolishness I used to post about. When I think about myself as a 15 year old it seems like a lifetime ago, but then when I think of the things that kept me going then, it doesn't seem that far past yesterday. Marching band, drama, academic teams, boys boys boys.

I still say my biggest regret back then was letting my insecurity stop me from experiencing everything to the fullest. And maybe some of my best moments were when I didn't let it. I remember auditioning for Oklahoma, when we did the dance audition and I was up there with a bunch of guard girls. I must have looked hilarious or maybe I actually did well, I never knew, but they cheered for me and yelled my name. I think maybe because it seemed out of character for me to go all out and not care if I looked like a fool. I didn't want to half-ass it like I might normally because I didn't want anyone to notice if I jiggled, haha. That was a pretty great feeling. I felt it every time I auditioned for a new show or gave a speech. Funny how the only time I felt like I could be myself was in front of an audience.

There's no point to this, I just thought of LJ and my 1600 journal entries from the past 8 years of my life and was sad I stopped writing here.

( also... )

I have been reading twilight. Ok, that's a lie, i saw twilight and then started reading new moon. I seriously hate that I like it, but I do so I'll have to deal with that. :P Bella annoys the shit out of me, but maybe because she's a lot like me. I think one thing smeyer succeeded in is making a character that all sorts of girls/women can identify with in one way or another. I see myself in her when she's being selfish and socially backward.

She and I both lack friends, and it's solidly because we don't want to make the effort to hang out with people we aren't completely engrossed with. It may be caused by some deeper thing, but blowing people off is something we're good at.

Another thing is that she takes advantage of Jacob's kindness and love for her. She has to know in the end it will end badly, but she doesn't care because he's giving her what she wants--attention and comfort. I think I treated Nick the same way for a long time. Even though our minds made up, they never give up.

I even see Edward in Andi. Even typing this makes me feel like I should shoot myself for diving headfirst onto the twilight-train. Andi was my beautiful marble God (although looking back on it now it seems ridiculous how much I idolized him). I got swept up in him and his world, the way he made me feel. Even after he was gone I wanted him so badly that I couldn't see anything around me. I found out recently that exactly two days after he got to college, he asked another girl out and they have now been living together for about 5 years. He said he also had a girlfriend ("or more like a galpal i guess") before he even left. That was sort of heartwrenching.. not because I felt betrayed, but because I spent so much of my time and energy thinking about him, writing him, yearning for him.. nursing that hole in MY chest that he left when he left me. I felt stupid and angry at myself and at him for leading me on for so long.Yes he never said we were exclusive, but he swore he wasn't seeing anyone.

Anyway back to twilight.. My Edward went away. And although I'm only halfway through New moon, I know he comes back. Mine didn't come back. I only had Nick there, waiting to pick up the pieces and loving me just as much as he ever had. So I had time to heal with Nick's help. I married my Jacob.

other things i don't have in common with bella:
I'm not frail
I'm not stupidly clumsy
I don't "shake like a leaf," "sway precariously," or "whimper"
I'm not a whiny bitch

I'm doing a friends' cut, inspired by tatyana. most people i'm taking off probably don't even remember who I am anyway, especially since I haven't updated in 2 months. That's all. :)

this is great

I'm doing a major overhaul of my journal.